Forgiveness is one of those concepts that is talked about everywhere, it seems. Religion talks about it, psychologists talk about it, and quite a few personal development programs talk about it. Books discuss it, scientists study it, inmates crave it (some of them). But, what is it? I mean, what is it really? How does it work and why does it work? How do you know that you have truly forgiven someone completely?

I think the main reason we get confused about forgiveness is because we try to forgive the person rather than their actions, thoughts, feelings,etc. Who a person is at their core, at their very core, is love. I don’t care who you’re talking about, either. You could be talking about Mother Teresa or Ted Bundy, but at their core, they are love. Perhaps they did great things or perhaps they did horrible things. Don’t forgive the person. The person is just unaware of who they really are – of their true nature. If they understood who they really were, they would never even entertain the thought of doing something with intent to hurt another. So, forgive the deed and the emotions surrounding the deed.

People are amazingly creative beings. We have the capacity to create just about anything we want – and we do. We create phenomenal things – microwaves, money, art, nuclear warheads, plant hybrids, catnip balls that drive my cats crazy, prosperity, poverty. We have used our minds to create all of these things. So, if someone misuses their creative powers and hurts you, either purposefully or accidentally, know that the person is still love.

Forgiveness, at its root, means to abandon something. If you forgive a person of their faults, you abandon all thought and judgment about those faults. You abandon all of those emotional hang ups about what it says about the person or what their actions say about you.

The best way I know to describe this is with a story. Jan is a friend of my mother’s (fake name) who had a schizophrenic brother. He struggled with this for years, and eventually took his own life when he was at a low point. One day she was having lunch with me and my mother and she started talking about how she had forgiven him, but felt her anger towards her ex husband stemmed from anger she had at her brother. I pointed out that if she still felt anger – either directly or indirectly – because of what her brother had done, she had not yet truly forgiven him. The forgiveness wasn’t yet complete.

The forgiveness exercise

I willingly release the thoughts and things that hove cluttered my mind. I release ___________________________________ to their highest good, happiness, health and wealth, and me to mine.

For best results: Write this out by hand, and the first person who comes to mind you put in the blank. Even if you don’t understand what resentment you have toward the person, do it. You don’t need to understand the resentment to let go of it. Just focus on releasing them to their highest good, happiness, health and wealth.

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