Forgiveness is courageous, soul changing,  life-liberating work!

It’s also damn hard. It’s so damn hard that few people ever take the time to truly forgive the hurts of the past and heal.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”  ~Buddha

Almost everyone recognizes that Forgiveness > Anger. 

I was talking to my friend, Amy Barilla “The Reiki Gal”, about what blocks us from forgiveness about a week ago.

So, why don’t we forgive? I mean, if it’s so good for us, what’s really stopping us from forgiving that asshole who cheated on us or the scumbag business partner who walked away with our business?

Why haven’t we let go of that hot coal of resentment and fully embraced the healing waters of forgiveness?

Justified anger towards another person or circumstance gives us a sense of purpose and moral superiority.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially if we’re hearing it for the first time, but stick with me.

While we’re busy shaking our finger at that person who was truly awful to us, we can see evidence that we are better than that person. We don’t have to face our fears of inadequacy.

The Real Fear: “I’m not good enough”

“I’m obviously better than my ex who cheated on me, because I kept my agreement to be exclusive and he didn’t. My hurt is justified, and this hurt PROVES that I’m a good person. That I’m superior.”

But, what if we were to let go of that “proof” that we are better than someone else? What are we left with?

We’re left with our own loud, messy insecurities. We’re left with the fact that the relationship hasn’t been good for a while, and that we gave up our dreams to be with someone who didn’t give up theirs.

We’re left with the “real” reason we fell in love with the wrong person in the first place — that our own fears scared the shit out of us, so it was easier to invest in someone else’s dream.

When we feel insecure about ourselves or our mission, and we need to find a way to boost ourselves, to show our moral worth, it gets hella easy to lock in on specific situations where we were better than someone or something else. Where we acted with more integrity, or where something that was awful happened to us. Where we got something we didn’t deserve.

In the act of hating on the situation, we have focus, passion and purpose. The very purpose we gave up on. We know who or what wronged us, and we know that we were in the right. There’s a clear sense of certainty in this.

This certainty is rarely present when we turn our focus to our dreams and passions. We don’t have a ticket that God personally handed to us saying, “You will be perfectly successful in the exact way you imagine it! Congrats!”

In fact, we rarely ARE successful in the exact way that we have imagined our success, because we’re here on earth to learn and to grow. If we knew exactly how things should pan out for the highest good of everyone involved, there would be no reason for us to be on this plane of existence. We would be in a completely different position (think angels, spirit guides or God for this one.)

Certainty is not necessary for our experience here on earth, but when we feel insecure, we like to hang onto things that ARE certain, because it offers solace to our hearts and souls. It allows us to feel in control and important.

So What’s the Solution?

Get real with yourself about the situation.

Admit that the anger and resentment are only hurting you, not them.

You’re the one with the unpleasant feelings, the hurt and the pain. It doesn’t magically go into them unless they’ve chosen those feelings.

You’re the one with both the original injury and the subsequent pain.

Follow your pain.

Your pain will lead you to your lesson. Always.

So dive into that pain, break out the sad music, the Kleenex and your journal and get into the pain. Explore it. Why does it hurt you? What insecurities is it triggering?

This isn’t about fault, this is about looking at the pieces of the puzzle that led to the outcome of the situation, and finding the areas that could use some love.

List your insecurities. Put them on paper and look at them. Are they true? Really? Might they be a lie?

Love yourself.

Love yourself for whatever is you were trying to protect yourself from. You have those insecurities as a layer of protection, so what were you trying to protect yourself from? Embarrassment? Pain? Being taken advantage of? Whatever your truth is here, love yourself for trying to take care of yourself in the best way you knew how.

Take new action.

Find a new way to meet that need! If you were afraid you aren’t worthy of your dreams, the solution might be to instill some new beliefs about your worthiness. What do you wish you believed? Furthermore, what would you do if you DID believe that? What’s one action you can take right now to help instill this new belief in your subconscious?

Action solidifies your work, so whatever new belief you are instilling, make sure you take a small action that supports it.

What old resentments are you shedding and what new beliefs are you instilling? Share in the comments!

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